Rather than let Jesus capture my heart, I block His advances and try to make it okay by promising to fix my actions. At the very same time, I pray with my mouth Psalm 139:
23Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
24And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
Try me and know my thoughts!
24And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
And in my head what I am thinking when I pray that is: I'm frustrated with where I've gotten myself, I don't like my surroundings, show me my sin so I can fix it and feel/look/act better... except the root of the sin, which is in my heart... just don't go there please.
The Lord has often brought me low by opening my eyes to the parallels between His relationship with me and that of a husband and wife, particularly an unfaithful wife, and this is just further example. How often have you seen marriages that are not ideal and both parties are trying to make it better by fixing fairly superficial things like circumstances and actions. Yet one or both parties are unwilling to open their hearts to the other person and as a result they both decay and their marriage dies as they consistantly deny the other person access, even if they stay together in law and proximity. The imagery of this scenario stirs deeply inside me. I am this wife. I let myself decay and ask why it happens, even though I know the answer. I beg Him to love me and pursue me, and He does. And when He does, I block Him off.
This self-preservation mechanism that wars inside of me has got it completely backwards.
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