parched

Clearly I kinda suck at this whole blogging thing, but when you have myspace, facebook, evite (either I'm popular or all my friends are evite obsessed because it seems like I consistently have 700ish at any given moment) the Mars Hill members website and 4 current and valid e-mail addresses to keep up with, finding time to blog is scarce. BUT be encouraged because I am starting to see the importance of blog therapy.

For some unexplainable reason, there is something peaceful and calming about a blog. Maybe it's because the nature of it is more about thought and reflection, journaling really, as opposed to keeping up with people without having to call and finding friends you haven't seen since you were very best friends in kindergarten. At any rate, I am going to attempt to be more diligent in my blogging, quite likely at the expense of other online endeavors.

The reason for this being, I am once again redesigning Ashlea... something I tend to do every so often. Now before you start in on the "be true to yourself" speech, know that it is far more a project of finding my true self. The constant is always that I am found in Jesus Christ, who I am starts with Him. The change comes through opening my heart to His conviction and repentance.

To be brutally honest, I have felt very hard hearted lately. My mind knows that only Christ knows what's best for me and no matter how hard I try to override my heart, it still says REBEL. With my mind, I want my heart to be on mission with God, but I'm not there yet. Now I know that I will get there because I have both seen and tasted the faithfulness of God. I know that He is teaching me something and leading me through a desert so that I might appreciate water, but thirst doesn't want to wait to be quenched. In my sin I look to change my surroundings; friends, jobs, activities, physical appearance, and while God may very well be leading me to make some of these changes, my idolatry is looking to them for satisfaction before looking to God. And the irony of it is that my surroundings are not the reason for my discontentment, my looking to them is.

I've been avoiding God lately and I realized last night that the reason was because I was afraid to read the Word and get nothing from it and for some reason, likely aided by the whispered lies of Satan, I decided it wasn't worth the risk. It's the old, I don't want to get hurt so I'm not going to put myself out there. What bull! I mean really, I know so many things to be true of God, especially His faithfulness. Not to mention, how unbelievably selfish of me. I was listening to a sermon today preached by Josh Patterson of The Village Church on Hebrew chapter 2 and he shared a similar experience. He was talking about how as he read the text for the sermon, he was bored. As he contemplated why that was and what he was going to preach on, he realized that the text didn't say anything about himself. It was all about Jesus and His glory and authority over the angels, but there was nothing he could relate to his own life. He says:

"Well, I live in a delusional world of self, and worship's about me, and church is about me, and the Gospel’s about me. So here’s my hope: I just want to worship. I want to worship Him because of who He is. I want Him to be enough. I want Him and Him alone to be enough. I want Jesus all by Himself to be enough to engage my soul, to impress me, so that when I read this text I absolutely fall down at the great and glorious name of Jesus. That His name would be supreme in my life and that I would become less and He would become great; that I would no longer make the Gospel, and make scripture, and make God about me. But that I would make it all about Him because that’s exactly what scripture does. It’s all about Him, it’s not
about us. And we have got to align ourselves with that reality and that truth or the Christianity and Gospel will become ritualistic and shallow and uninspiring."

So that's my prayer, one of many I guess. That Christ would be enough and yes through that He would change me and make me an effective tool for HIS purposes, not for mine.

Patience, Child

That's what God whispered to me yesterday... it's a lesson I know He's been teaching me for a while now, more clearly the past couple weeks, and last night He just came out and said it..... and I needed to hear it.

I've been really good at being patient about the future in general, knowing that God has it all in His hands and therefore I have no reason to worry or be anxious... but what I have now learned about myself is that as soon as God gives me a little taste of what the specifics might look like, I immediately throw all patience to the wind and find myself screaming "HURRY UP!!" Like Veruca Salt, "I want it NOW"

Not only do I lack patience, but I start trying to make it happen myself, working hard and at the end of the day feeling as though all that work is in vain, most likely because it is...

...So that's the kind of patience that God is now teaching me, how to trust Him not only to decide what's going to happen in my life, but to walk me there as well... at a slower pace than I might want. It's not going to happen all at once, but daily He will lead me closer and closer to the things He has in store for me. My job is to trust Him, every day, and live in the moment that He has put me in.

Patience, child, just have patience.

Grace Kelly

Grace Kelly is one of the most beautiful women who has ever lived. My mom has often been told she looks like Grace Kelly and I must agree, especially the last one. Anyway, these are some of my favorite pictures of her.